Divorce Information

Maintaining a Relationship With Kids After Divorce

We all know that divorce can be a tough time. It's stressful financially and emotionally, and disrupts so many aspects of daily life. All of this is made even more difficult when children are involved...Depending on the nature of your divorce, you may be fighting for custody. In better circumstances, you and your ex will have come to an amicable agreement about joint custody - or some arrangement that works well for both of you and the children. The parenting dynamic changes, however, no matter the outcome. For many divorcing parents, the relationship with their child (or children) remains a primary concern. The good news is that divorce doesn't have to push the kids out of your life, and that many parents are able to build healthy, stable relationships with their young ones in the wake of a divorce. If you're headed for divorce, or already going through one, use these tips to help you maintain your relationship with the kids:

1. Keep Them Out of Your Problems

First and foremost, you can't let your kids become weapons you use to fight with your ex. They should never be pitted against one of their parents. Don't compete for their affection to spite the other person. Don't vent to them about their other parent. The whole point is to keep the relationship with your kids healthy and happy. If they are torn between their parents and/or hear you talking down about their mother or father, etc. - how can they be happy? However custody is determined, use the time you have with your kids to focus on them. Be a parent first, and don't let the trouble you're going through bleed into their lives (as much as you can help it). They will likely already be having a hard time with the split. Take great care to not make it any more difficult than it has to be.

2. Use Technology

If you won't have much in-person time with your kids after the divorce, technology is your best friend! FaceTime, Google Hangouts and Skype are great options for staying in touch! Using video chat allows you to see and hear each other, and that's the next best thing to being together in person. Schedule times if you need to, but don't just rely on phone calls or texts.

3. Communicate

The larger point is to just communicate with your kids! Tell them you love them and that you're working things out. Make sure they know they can turn to you for help. Ask them what they're going through! It may be a difficult time for everyone, but the kids should still know that you're there for them. You don't have to share all of your baggage, but you don't have to keep everything secret either. You know what your kids can handle. Especially if they're a little older, they may have more to share than you think. Relationships of all kinds are based on healthy communication!

4. Take It Seriously

If you have visitations, need to provide documentation, have pick up or drop off responsibilities...take them VERY seriously. Not only will missing these responsibilities hurt your standing with the courts, they will also damage your relationship with the kids. Trust is going to be tense in the wake of a divorce. Showing up late, forgetting an appointment, etc. looks even worse when tensions are high. You have to make an even more diligent effort to stay on top of these things, and "prove" to the kids that you can be depended on.

5. Go Above and Beyond

If your ex has to work late or go out of town, be the first to offer your ex help and jump on spending extra time with your kids. Take every opportunity you can to cultivate the relationship. Time spent together goes a long way! The same goes for extracurricular activities, school functions, and the like. Put them first as often as you possibly can, even if that means making sacrifices in other areas of your life.Understand that it's going to be difficult. A divorce is paramount to dismantling a family - but it doesn't have to stay that way. If you both make a diligent effort to put the kids first (and be civil with each other), you can maintain strong relationships with the kids even if your marriage didn't last.

6. NEVER Speak Poorly About Your Ex to Your Kids

You may not have the best relationship with your ex... in fact, the your relationship might be downright bad, but don't let your kids see it. Always boost your ex in the eyes of your kids and discourage other from speaking negatively about your ex around the children. Even if the things you say (or think) are true, your kid won't see it the same way. Kids often want to stick up for their parents, even if they don't say anything. That means as time goes on, they will watch how you treat the other parent and they might begin to see you as the one in the wrong and model the same behavior back at you.